I just need to get this off my chest.
I just wanted you to hear me, I just wanted you to love me. Now unborn D grows up in a broken home and R sees yet another shattered relationship. I'm not like your ex, and you know it. You've told me a hundred times you know it, too but you let the worst of your negative thoughts get the best of you and our lives.
We were so close. R was about to start school and our offer on the house was in... So close...
I don't feel like you meant it when you said you didn't love me anymore. Why else would we have tried so hard? Certainly not for convenience.. My heart literally hurts. I feel like it's just going to burst. When D kicks, I feel a pang of guilt like I should've just said "yes" to everything and never made a fuss, and I feel a pain in my heart that we'll never have that family you, R, and I have always wanted. That we deserved.
Today, my boss sits at my desk and says "are you ok? you look miserable." I rarely say how I feel to others but yeah, I came clean. "I feel like it." and he had this pitied look on his face. Half my day is spent working.. the other half is spent checking my phone wishing you would text me that you still bought the house and you still love me and you just let the worst of you get the best of you. I still can't help but daydream - it makes it hurt so much less, until I realize it won't bring you back.
It sucks knowing you live just a mile away and I can't see you. I can't crawl into your bed and let you engulf me and my growing belly, imagining what it would be like with D & R in the bed with us in our home together. I hate knowing another woman will have that with you one day. I desperately wanted it to be me.
I don't think the Prozac is working. Then again, I don't think it's meant for things like this.
I miss you. I hope you miss me too. I hope you come back soon. I can't do this much longer.
xoxo..
